Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
