Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
