dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I am spending my child support on dildos
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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