no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
did you just send me my own nude
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
