I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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