i was born a porn star she said
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
