its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
