that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
