please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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