Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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