We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
