Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
