Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
