So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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