Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
you are never too drunk for berry picking
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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