my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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