take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
