I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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