I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
