No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
