i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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