i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
