I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
