i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
