i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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