How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
