I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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