I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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