i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
