I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
