i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
