mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
