yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
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