weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
