On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
