I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
