i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
