Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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