If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
