It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
