I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
