Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
