I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I can't turn off my feet"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
