i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
