I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
