If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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