jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
