Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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