I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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