Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
